I hate Honolulu International Airport. Of all the airports I’ve flown through in my time, it ranks Number One on the list of most horrid. And of course it’s the one airport I have to get stuck in more often than any other, other than Hilo “International” Airport, of course. Why couldn’t I get stuck having to fly through Vancouver International Airport all the time? Now that’s a decent airport whose only flaw is no Tim Horton’s in the international departure area.
I don’t know what it is about HNL, exactly. Maybe it’s the people. Full of tourists. I hate tourists under the best of circumstances, put me amongst tourists who are getting more and more pissed off by the minute because they’re leaving Hawaii and have to go back to their shitty jobs, then I really start hating them. They seem to know exactly how I hate it when I’m walking behind someone and they suddenly stop. They seem to know exactly how I hate it when I see people butt in line, even when they’re not butting in front of me (like the jackass buying some Maui onion chips: “You can’t get these in Texas!” Well whoopdey shit for you.). I’ve never seen anyone working here smile, but that’s understandable. They’re probably pissed that they’re not allowed to pack heat and blow away the occasional tourist. “Stress reduction” I’d call it.
Maybe it’s how it’s supposed to be this major international hub, linking Asia with North America, but it still comes across as some piddly little inter-island terminal. How? Shops shut at five o’clock, I swear. Today I arrived at about 6:15pm (I was originally scheduled to arrive at 7:15 but they bumped me to an earlier flight) and the duty free shops were shut. How stupid is that? Sure, the tourist shops where you can buy a box of chocolate-covered macadamia nuts for ten dollars were all open, but try to get a bottle of booze and you’re SOL. Not that I was going to, mind you, but I’m trying to make a point here, and that point is that HNL sucks.
Maybe it’s the price gouging. Everything costs at least 25% more inside the security gates than outside in the real world. You thought Starbucks was expensive before? Try getting a mocha from the HNL Starbucks. A medium’ll set you back about $4.50 before you pansy it up with soy milk or an extra shot like I did once. Six dollars and fifty bloody cents! At Pizza Hut you can get a pizza the size of a hockey puck for five bucks. And you’ll like it too, soldier!
And then there’s Stinger Ray’s. Stinger Ray’s deserves a special level in Hell all for itself. They serve watered-down “alcoholic” drinks for supremely inflated prices. A mai tai for eight dollars? Without the rum? FUCK YES GIVE ME ANOTHER SIR. Oh how I hate Stinger Ray’s. Alice and I ate there once, we each had some manner of food (oh right, I remember now, Alice had chicken strips that were worse than anything you could buy in the frozen foods section of any supermarket) and each had some fruity drink and the bill was bloody forty dollars. For two meals and two drinks! Jesus swinging from a lamppost that’s expensive. Oh how I hate Stinger Ray’s.
Summary for those who didn’t feel like reading all that: HNL sucks, Stinger Ray’s sucks, and HNL sucks. And bring some vasoline, because they don’t supply you with any when they bend you over.
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