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I had a job before this, I had a job before this. Ultimately it was that job that drove me into this. I worked at an aquarium, an aquarium with lots of money from the government so it was huge!

I was a Clean and Scrub man, we called each other in the C&S union. I scrubbed the inside of the killer whale tank. And after a while the boys in the C&S — the Clean and Scrub — we just sorta made it one word.

The killerwhaletank. The killerwhaletank, unh, the killerwhaletank, unh. I’m going into the killerwhaletank.

I got along with these two big beasts so well it was like they knew me. They looked at me with their hundred year-old eyes and it was like they knew me. I’d put on my scuba gear, my mask, my regulator and I’d fall into the tank with nary a sound, maybe a “ffflk”, and then I was underwater.

Sometimes I’d jump out, right in front of the window. When people are expecting a killer whale and they see a human they get spooked! Spooked. Anyways I’d do that.

But I was in the water this particular day, unbeknowst to me, Shamu and Bartholomew, their relationship had gone stale. Seems I was going in there so much, and I was looking so good, Shamu took a shining to me.

And they’re so smart those things you know. They’ve got all these human emotions. Love, lust, green-hundred-year-old-eyed jealousy! Bartholomew… was livid! Unbeknownst to me, I can’t hear a goddamn thing underwater!

He came up, he was bumping against me a lot. That stale, killer whale, bumping up against someone so pale and frail. How was I supposed to know the killer whale relationship had gone stale? Welllll…

He brushes up to me a couple times, his skin’s like sandpaper. I say, “Hey man, Bartholomew, what’s up? What’s goin’ on big fella? What is it? What is it? I don’t want to steal your mommy and I sure don’t want to take the place of your daddy. I only wanna be your friend.”

And he circled around, I thought we were all patched up and I was scrubbing and he took my, he came and he, he came and he, he ripped, he ripped my left arm off. I mean, the killer whale, they’re beasts of the deep, they’re quite docile and friendly in captivity but somewhere along the line, thousands of years of breeding just snapped and he took my left arm off, man. He took my left arm, my fucking left arm.

“What is it Bartholomew?”

I spoke to him in a language he could understand as I came back! Beeoo, bwoo, bwoop, beeoo!