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I watched my first complete NASCAR race today, the ARCA RE/MAX Food World 250 at Talladega. I’ve never watched a more boring race, and I’ve seen my share of boring races this year.

Nothing happens on the track! There’s passing, but it’s not passing as Formula One fans are used to. A pass in Formula One can typically be summed up by two phrases: “brown shorts” and “large attachments”. A pass in this NASCAR thing can be summed up by one phrase: “highway driving”, and I’m not talking an Audi TT overtaking a Trabant here either, I’m talking Granny Smith overtaking Granny Jones who’re both driving their 1979 Lincoln Continental Town Cars at 40 in a 55 zone. You want passing, you watch Fernando Alonso passing Michael Schumacher on the outside of 130R at Suzuka at 200mph. That’s a brown shorts moment. Not one single pass in NASCAR can even compare with that. And that’s one pass in one race!

Why in God’s name do people watch NASCAR? It’s not racing. Take Montoya’s comments after qualifying second:

“They told me come out of the pits and just floor it and run as high as you can. And when you’ve got to start the second lap, just aim at the apron and stay low.

“That’s all you’ve got to do.”

Christ almighty.

Sure, they go fast. Sure, they wreck well. But race? Hardly.

Yes, Montoya’s an experienced racer, but it says something about the level of “racing” when a guy can go from only being in a NASCAR car once (back in 2003 he and Rob Gordon swapped cars for an exhibition at Indy) to racing in three months.

For the record, Montoya led the first ten or eleven laps, got tapped at the beginning of a crash on lap 35 and did a good job of saving his car, pitted four times for repairs, then finished third when the race was called on account of darkness.

That last phrase, “called on account of darkness”, shows you how ass-up-head the organizers must be. Can’t start a race a little earlier in the day? What’s next, can’t race in the rain? Oh snap, they can’t!

Luckily for me I got to watch qualifying for the 2006 Japan Grand Prix to purge my mind of the horrible NASCAR race. Dear lord, they turn right! Even watching Jarno Trulli do a qualifying lap was more exciting than that entire other race.

I like Juan Montoya, but he’s not enough to get me to watch another NASCAR “race”. Now whenever I watch a boring Formula One race I’ll remember this race and thank the gods that it’s not this boring. Or idiotic.