Today’s Bad Baby Names have a bit of a regal tone to them. We start off with Adward, which is a horrible misspelling of Edward (there were seven King Edwards of England and/or the United Kingdom, dontchaknow).

We continue on to Orian, which is a horrible misspelling of Orion (who was placed in the heavens by Zeus at the request of Greek goddesses, dontchaknow).

After these brushes with kings and gods we have to return to the mundane Bad Baby Names. Sapphyre-Ann Jun-An and Khansdyn-Lehualani bring us back with a resounding thud. Sapphyre-Ann? Seriously? And Khansdyn-Lehualani? KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANSDYN!

Doesn’t really have the right ring.

Returning to royalty, little Noor was born. Noor is the current Queen of Jordan. Unfortunately Hilo’s Noor is a boy.

But today’s winner, and the reason behind the title of this post, is inspired by Prince Charles’ declaration to Camilla Parker-Bowles that he could come back as a Tampax, which is a brand of tampon. Yes, that’s right, today’s winner is Zhyre Kamanu U’ilani Tampon.

Zhyre is a bad enough name, although in keeping with the royalty theme it’s pretty close to sire. But Tampon? You always hear these urban legends of kids being named Gonorrhea or Giardia because it sounds pretty, but Tampon doesn’t sound pretty. Maybe if you say it with a French accent or something…

This might be the first time that I feel some kind of pity for one of the kids showing up in my Bad Baby Names posts. Just visualize this girl’s school days. First day of school, not so bad. Elementary school, hell. Why would you possibly think that Tampon might be a good idea for one of your child’s names?

Zhyre Kamanu U’ilani Tampon, if in ten years you’re searching for your name and come across this post, please know this: your parents are King and Queen of the Fucking Morons.

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