This is, sadly, my last Bad Baby Names post. I’ve been doing this for nearly five years now, starting with Dicetin and Alextacy. The second week brought one of the more controversial Bad Baby Names of all time: Abcde! Five years later and Abcde’s post is the second-highest viewed page on this website. It’s amazing how popular it is!

But let’s get to this week’s Bad Baby Names. There’s the usual assortment of Cayden, Harlee, Kayden, and Khloe. One set of parents decided to one-up all of those parents who smoosh together two names to form one, as they smooshed together three names: Victoriaannalee!

But the real winner this week is Dazzah-Romance Tru-Luxurie. Thank you, great parents, for letting me go out with such an awful name!

And thanks to all the parents of the County of Hawaii for the past five years of Bad Baby Names. You’ve brought us countless laughs and endless entertainment. You wanted your kids to be unique and memorable. Well, they are!

This week’s Bad Baby Names is sadly, the penultimate. I will only get one more chance to do this, as I am moving back to Canada shortly and, alas, I have never seen a listing of babies born in Vancouver in any of the newspapers. The wonderful people of Hilo must know I’m leaving, as they gave me a gift of some really Bad Baby Names!

Trezden was the first. Okay, not entirely bad. Better than Haleyrose. Which is worse than Kyla-Nova, whose parents could at least figure out how to use a hyphen.

I think Matline is how illiterate people spell Madeline. If I ran into this unfortunate girl I’d call her Mat Line.

Zoee’s parents couldn’t keep their hands off the e. I thought Zoe was pronounced “Zo-ee” already. Maybe you’re supposed to stretch out Zoee’s name: Zo-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee!

Kaysian is unfortunate.

Mandymarie’s parents need to take a lesson from Kyla-Nova’s parents.

Of course, this week’s big loser is Prayze, which really makes me do this:

You voted, and the results are in! It was an incredibly close contest, with the top three contenders tied with four days to go. As time went on, one dropped off and the last time I checked last night, the top two were tied! Since then two more votes came in and we got a winner!

The ultimate loser, with zero votes, was Chaiden-Aaliyah. Poor Chaiden-Aaliyah.

Coming in seventh place was A’Lycea, who got two votes.

Azyn Ryu barely edged her out with three votes.

Fifth place went to Ghage Grannite and her six votes.

Fourth is the Baby Of The People: U-Me. She got sixteen votes.

And now for the top three. Like I said, they were all very close until the final days. Q’ashaani-Ja’de and Q’ayah-Se’dalle eventually finished with twenty-four votes.

The first runner-up, losing the title by only one vote in only the last few hours of voting, was Adrenalynn with thirty votes, which means that Rustyn and Rustynn are 2009’s Baddest Baby Names! Congratulations!

Thank you everyone for voting!

Alright, so it’s not quite Thanksgiving yet, but I’m going to serve up some real turkeys anyhow. And yes, it’s Saturday, which isn’t the traditional Monday timeslot for Bad Baby Names, but I’ve been busy this week.

There were so many bad baby names this week that it’s hard to find where to start. I’m going to rattle them off in the order they were printed, because the last one truly is really bad. Not that the others aren’t bad, but hoo boy, it’s a bad one.

Right then, let’s go!

Aking has a lot to live up to, because he’s never going to become a king.

Kyzeah. It sounds like someone sneezed.

Tavyne is one that I’m not really sure how to pronounce. Tah-vine? I guess so. I pronounce it hor-ih-ble.

De’Ja. The name speaks for itself, it’s so bad. The name speaks for it… haven’t I heard that somewhere before?

Haylee-Love. Haylee is a fine name. Love, not so much. Haylee-Love is bad.

We all know where Chevelle was conceived.

Daycen-Kekoa is a completely unnecessary hybridization of a horrible name and a perfectly fine name. Here’s a tip: Daycen is horrible.

Trinady.

Kaysen. When I was writing these names down I put “(boy)” after this one. If I have to do that, it’s a bad name. Unless it’s a boy named Sue.

Heizyn’s name looks like Heinz, and I don’t think kids should be named after ketchup.

Zetta would’ve been better had it been Zeta (ζ), because Greek letters are cool. Yes, I did physics in university. My favourite letter to write is phi (φ), although gamma (γ) and eta (η) are up there too. Wait a second… I just did a search for Zeta and came up with this. Clearly Zetta is an alien in disguise!

Kysten. Again, I had to write “(boy)” after Kysten’s name.

I just noticed that Zaynen is number two of five in the Y brigade. I’m telling you this now so you can steel yourselves for the next three.

Sayde is, I think, supposed to be Sadie. Who knows. All I know is her parents are morons.

As are Ayzren’s parents. Ugh.

Xaelyn is just crying out to be Xælyn, which would have been infinitely better.

Reef clearly has hippie parents. Not nearly as hippie as Ocean Reef Butts‘ parents, but hippie nonetheless.

Dayvan’s parents must be Boards Of Canada parents. Dayvan Cowboy is a cool song, but nobody should name their kid after it.

And last, but certainly least, is Harvest Beauty Marie Sapphire. Told you it was the worst of a bad bunch!

This week’s Bad Baby Name post comes without a clear-cut winner. There are a few pretty bad names, but they’re all equally bad. Let’s get going!

I’m not really sure what kind of a name Frosston is. I think it’s a bad misspelling of “frostin’”, which is a stupid name to give to a kid anyhow.

I went to school with a guy named Justice. That’s not really a bad name. Unique, sure, but not terrible. Justice wouldn’t make it into this list unless, you guessed it, it’s spelled wrong! That’s how Justus made it. Congrats!

Of course, what would a Bad Baby Name post be without the Y Brygade showing up? Here comes Rysaiah! Here comes Ryder! Here comes Kaydance! Here comes Hazelyn! And bringing up the inglorious rear is Jeylin!

Mackenzie is a typical bad baby name for a girl these days, especially when it’s spelled stupidly. Kenzie wouldn’t normally pass muster, but it does when it’s the name of a boy!

I said there wasn’t a clear-cut winner this week, but Azyn Ryu is the worst of a bad bad bunch.

Funny symbols that don’t belong in names is the theme of today’s Bad Baby Names post. Quickly, let’s get names that don’t fit the theme out of the way: Franther and Zhenson. Franther is kind of weird, Zhenson is some stupid bastardization of Jenson, I presume. Both bad.

Now on to names that have symbols that belong in names but, well, end up making the name pretty bad. Our first example is Prince-Charles. Prince would be a good name for a dog, a not so good name for a boy. Charles is a perfectly good name. Prince Charles is a good name if you’re actually a prince. Otherwise it’s a bad name. Prince-Charles is just bad on every possible level.

Getting progressively worse is Laæakea-David. Now don’t get me wrong, æ is a perfectly acceptable grapheme. It’s a character in many different languages around the world. In this context, however, Laæakea is… I can’t really tell. I don’t know what language that is supposed to be. Tarted-up Hawaiian? And to hyphenate it with David is crazy.

And now we come to the major theme of today’s post: the lowly apostrophe. I’m not talking about the `okina, which is a character in the Hawaiian alphabet. I’m talking about the apostrophe, whose use is primarily for contractions and possessives. Take one of today’s bad baby names, for example: Jay’n. What’s the apostrophe for? I think Jay’n is actually a contraction for Jaymyparentsarestupidn.

But taking the prize today is a set of twins. Their first names were not particularly note-worthy, but their middle names, hoo boy. Q’ashaani-Ja’de and Q’ayah-Se’dalle. That’s all kinds of bad right there.

I’ve been negligent in my Bad Baby Name duties of late. For that, I apologize. I’ve been sitting on some pretty bad ones for a while but just haven’t got around to writing up a post about them. Well now I have time. Let’s get to them!

First, I’m going to get to this week’s Bad Baby Names. West is kind of a bad name. Silly, definitely. At least he’s got his own song. There’s also Kaydence, Jaelynn, and Sheynen. Unfortunately that’s about it for this week.

But the ones I’ve been saving up, they’re doozies! First up is Shannahsea. It’s a mouthful and, although lacking a Y, is pretty bad.

Khloe is a good bastardization of Chloe. I don’t understand why parents need to change Cs to Ks. It doesn’t make your child’s name any better, and when you’re yelling their name at a playground you can’t tell the difference between Chloe and Khloe, unless you’re stupid and yell “KHLOE WITH A K GET OVER HERE!”

Jayshaun is pretty bad.

Stycen is pretty bad too. It’s even worse when you find out that’s a boy’s name.

Khaycen-Lee is this week’s lone Hyphen Brigade member. Poor little Khaycen-Lee. All alone. And with such a bad bad name too.

I’m not really sure who the worst Bad Baby Name is for this particular post. It’s a toss-up between Kdynse and Jhowel. Both make me cringe. Both make me think that there are some awfully stupid parents out there.