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For reasons unknown to me, the Trib published the vital statistics column today, a Sunday, instead of on its regular Monday schedule. That means you don’t get to start the work week with Bad Baby Names. Instead you get to leisure over them during a lazy Sunday!

Marysa and Shaylyn are the traditional Y-attack names. While bad, these are getting to be a little old and tired.

Luckily Xayton was born to come wake us up. Xayton sounds like a name from the future, possibly the name of an evil robot overlord. In that sense it’s a cool name, but it’s no name I’d want to saddle a little boy with.

The emotional favourites for today don’t really have a bad name, they’re just appropriate for the day. Two sets of parents named their kids Angel. One boy, one girl. Isn’t that nauseating?

But the winner is Ja’miesha. Complete with apostrophe. Jamiesha isn’t even a good name on its own, but throwing in that apostrophe brings things to a whole new level. In Hawaii the ʻokina is used to represent a glottal stop. Does this mean that we’re supposed to pronounce Ja’miesha with a glottal stop in there? Or were the parents just idiots and thought that their little girl’s name would look pretty with an apostrophe (it’s not even an ʻokina because Jamiesha isn’t anywhere near Hawaiian)? I vote the latter.

After last week’s bumper crop I suppose a letdown is in order. A letdown is what we got with today’s Bad Baby Names. Just your garden variety bad misspellings, really.

A few good examples of this is Elaynah, Kaelyn, and Raedyn. They’re bad names, sure, but not gut-wrenchingly bad.

A Bad Baby Name is definitely Legacy. It’s spelled correctly, but it’s still bad.

And today’s Bad Baby Name winner isn’t even the little boy’s first name (which is Landen). His middle name is Ora-A, which is just kind of weird.

Hello Bad Baby Names devotees! It’s been a while since I’ve brought you the baddest of the baby names, as I’ve been off on vacation for the past month. Luckily (or unluckily!) for us, the Tribune-Herald offered up the largest collection of baby names I’ve ever seen. This means that this week quantity trumps quality, but some of the Bad Baby Names are still quite bad.

We’ll kick things off with my favourites, the Y Brygade! There’s Shaleyah, Kayden, Shayde, Izayah, Mavryk, Kolby, Kyston, Blayne, Kysen, Jaydin, Peityn, and Gavyn. Their leader is the illustrious Shayden-Sione. Her parents missed a golden opportunity to have a double-barrelled Y Brigade daughter, though! Come on, it could have been Shayden-Syone!

There were two sets of twins born, too. Only one of them had bad names though: Passion and Patience. How precious. How sweet. How absolutely disgusting.

I have to think little August was named that because his parents are idiots and would forget when he was born otherwise. “When’s your birthday, August?” “Yes.” The jokes write themselves.

Little Beau wins the “I Would Have Had A Boy’s Name Had They Spelled It Bo But My Parents Decided To Tart Shit Up And Now I Need A Sex Change Operation” prize.

And today’s winner is Tullimwar KS Jr. Casio. That’s his full name. Note the awesome first name. Note the use of initials for the second name. Note how his third name is “Jr.” Normally “Jr” comes last. Oh no, not in the Casio family, they’re bucking the trend!

This week’s list of baby names was quite a bit shorter than average, but the Bad Baby Names were distilled down into whiskey-level awesomeness. Let’s get to it!

We start off gently with Damin. Not a particularly Bad Baby Name, but we have to start off lightly to get us in the spirit of things. This is why I’m introducing Tayden early as well. See, they’re bad, but not that bad.

Not compared to, say, Shelcey-Lyn or KaianaLee. Now we’re getting somewhere! We’re continued on our merry little path with Chassee (perhaps Chasser is her brother?) and Shaylie.

Can someone tell me how to pronounce either Mikeilah or Alajshae? Mike-eye-lah? Mik-aye-lah? Al-aj-shay? Stoo-pid?

And then we get into our Biblical Bad Baby Names. Passion isn’t particularly bad, but Exodus is. Why would you name your son Exodus?

To top things off we have Lizandro, which sounds like someone out of a bodice ripper. “Lizandro stood before her, his proud head erect, his leonine mane thrown into relief by the flares flanking the large doors. For one suspended moment, they stared at each other, love, hope, and remembered pain reflected over and over between them.”

The Bad Baby Names took a vacation last week — damn you Trib! Luckily for us they didn’t take Memorial Day off.

Of course, a Bad Baby Name post wouldn’t be good without the Attack Of The Ys, so let’s start this one off on the right foot. Khamryan gets things going in spectacular fashion, followed closely by Austyn. Cheyzen doesn’t classify, as it’s just a bad name to begin with.

I never understand parents who name their child after historical people. Surely they know they’re dooming their kid to a life of insecurity and feelings of inadequacy. I can hope, can’t I? I don’t hold out much hope for little Cleopatra, though. Poor little girl.

EvaMarie Natural, now there’s a name to get behind. I wonder what the ‘Natural’ refers to though — is her brother Jayson Artificial Insemination? Robert Turkey Baster?

Usually when parents double-barrel their child’s name, they use at least one name that isn’t horrid. Not so for Joeb-Zaiston’s parents though, they had to saddle him with two bad names.

This week’s winner is MaKoy. Either this girl’s parents are dyslexic Star Trek fans or just plain stupid. I vote the latter.