I guess I’m over my previous desensitization, because even though I found only two bad baby names in this week’s column, they’re pretty bad.

The first is an old name. Ancient, one might say. In fact, that’s the little boy’s name: Ancient. This one boggles the mind. I can’t think of any good reason why you’d want to name your little boy Ancient. Can anybody help me out here?

And our second Bad Baby Name will be rather familiar to faithful readers. While this name hasn’t come up before, the style will be instantly recognizable. Her name? Paytyn-Madison. Egregious substitution of proper vowels for the letter ‘y’? Check. Double-barrelled? Check. Madison? Check. That’s a bona-fide Bad Baby Name right there!

I think the people of Hawaii County are starting to catch on: name your child something stupid and I’ll make fun of them. How else can you explain the lack of bad baby names in recent weeks?

Take this week’s crop as an example. I can’t find anything truly cringe-worthy. Sure there are still kids being named Madisyn and Kaylynn-Lee and Jaedyn, but those aren’t truly horrible names.

The worse two names this week are Chaiden-Aaliyah and Deshylee. See? They’re really not that bad…

…or are they? Have I become desensitized to the Bad Baby Name?

Today’s Bad Baby Names have a bit of a regal tone to them. We start off with Adward, which is a horrible misspelling of Edward (there were seven King Edwards of England and/or the United Kingdom, dontchaknow).

We continue on to Orian, which is a horrible misspelling of Orion (who was placed in the heavens by Zeus at the request of Greek goddesses, dontchaknow).

After these brushes with kings and gods we have to return to the mundane Bad Baby Names. Sapphyre-Ann Jun-An and Khansdyn-Lehualani bring us back with a resounding thud. Sapphyre-Ann? Seriously? And Khansdyn-Lehualani? KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANSDYN!

Doesn’t really have the right ring.

Returning to royalty, little Noor was born. Noor is the current Queen of Jordan. Unfortunately Hilo’s Noor is a boy.

But today’s winner, and the reason behind the title of this post, is inspired by Prince Charles’ declaration to Camilla Parker-Bowles that he could come back as a Tampax, which is a brand of tampon. Yes, that’s right, today’s winner is Zhyre Kamanu U’ilani Tampon.

Zhyre is a bad enough name, although in keeping with the royalty theme it’s pretty close to sire. But Tampon? You always hear these urban legends of kids being named Gonorrhea or Giardia because it sounds pretty, but Tampon doesn’t sound pretty. Maybe if you say it with a French accent or something…

This might be the first time that I feel some kind of pity for one of the kids showing up in my Bad Baby Names posts. Just visualize this girl’s school days. First day of school, not so bad. Elementary school, hell. Why would you possibly think that Tampon might be a good idea for one of your child’s names?

Zhyre Kamanu U’ilani Tampon, if in ten years you’re searching for your name and come across this post, please know this: your parents are King and Queen of the Fucking Morons.

[tags]bad baby names[/tags]

Oh Bad Baby Names, how you fill my Mondays with joy. Thank you, proud parents of Hawaii, for being such fine examples of morondom. You didn’t disappoint this week!

I mean, how could you possibly be disappointed with Bad Baby Names like Dashley or Kaitlyn? Or Cherish?

The misspellings were in full force this week too! Little Kheerah was born, as was Kaige. Kaige! Even spelled properly it’s a bad name!

Tayven is just a bad name, pure and simple. Izec is strangely bad. It’s a Scrabble name, really. Pull four letters out and let’s make a name out of them! And Jaxx… Unless you’re a fan of Basement Jaxx this name has no place on a birth certificate. Even if you are a fan of Basement Jaxx it has no place on a birth certificate.

The co-winners this week are both bad for different reasons. Hawaii Wolf is just awesome in its badness. Hawaii Wolf! Hawaii Wolf! It’s one of those names that doesn’t get any better the more you say it. Hawaii Wolf! Still bad!

And the second co-winner is EJ.Donmark. That’s how it was spelled, no spaces between the initials and the “second” name, only one period in there. Maybe it’s pronounced “edge-dot-donmark”. Who knows.

[tags]bad baby names[/tags]

Starting off this week we find two sets of twins were born. The first set had perfectly normal names: Sascha and Simon. The second set had perfectly horrible names: K-Lee and Ky-Lee.

I’m not sure about the wisdom of naming your daughter after someone who sold out Samson to the Philistines for cash. Further, I’m not sure about the wisdom of tarting the name up and naming your daughter Delylah.

And today’s winner is a blessing to us all: little Blessyng was born. Bless.

[tags]bad baby names[/tags]

Since it’s Thanksgiving in Canada, I’m serving up a nice plate of turkeys for you today! It’s apparently also some made up “Discoverer’s Day” here in the US, but since I don’t get the day off I don’t really care. Plus, it should be Columbus Day.

Anyway… on with the show!

We start off with a food-sounding name: Cocofie. I can’t begin to understand this one. At least there aren’t any y’s in it, like Xaysha or Chazlyn. Those two are understandably bad. Their parents still need to be hit with the cluebat though.

In keeping with the holiday theme, little Saturnalia was born sometime recently. At least her parents didn’t name her after some other Roman festival that involved vomiting or sodomy. Unfortunately they were off by a couple of months, because the festival of Saturnalia is in December!

Another Roman-sounding name that came up this week was Maximus. Kids being kids, you know dude’s nickname is going to be Gluteus.

I can’t say much about Jerston. I can say something about Bryani, though: hey parents, you missed out on a perfect double-y opportunity! And you blew it!

This week’s winner is definitely Kayciance Clarita-jayne. Her first name is a portmanteau of a letter (‘K’) and a method of extracting money from the gullible (‘seance’), but misspelled in a horrible horrible way. And then her second name… double-barrelled, uncapitalized second name, extraneous y, these are all the makings of a bonafide Bad Baby Name. Kudos!

[tags]bad baby names[/tags]