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Oh Bad Baby Names, how you fill my Mondays with joy. Thank you, proud parents of Hawaii, for being such fine examples of morondom. You didn’t disappoint this week!

I mean, how could you possibly be disappointed with Bad Baby Names like Dashley or Kaitlyn? Or Cherish?

The misspellings were in full force this week too! Little Kheerah was born, as was Kaige. Kaige! Even spelled properly it’s a bad name!

Tayven is just a bad name, pure and simple. Izec is strangely bad. It’s a Scrabble name, really. Pull four letters out and let’s make a name out of them! And Jaxx… Unless you’re a fan of Basement Jaxx this name has no place on a birth certificate. Even if you are a fan of Basement Jaxx it has no place on a birth certificate.

The co-winners this week are both bad for different reasons. Hawaii Wolf is just awesome in its badness. Hawaii Wolf! Hawaii Wolf! It’s one of those names that doesn’t get any better the more you say it. Hawaii Wolf! Still bad!

And the second co-winner is EJ.Donmark. That’s how it was spelled, no spaces between the initials and the “second” name, only one period in there. Maybe it’s pronounced “edge-dot-donmark”. Who knows.

Starting off this week we find two sets of twins were born. The first set had perfectly normal names: Sascha and Simon. The second set had perfectly horrible names: K-Lee and Ky-Lee.

I’m not sure about the wisdom of naming your daughter after someone who sold out Samson to the Philistines for cash. Further, I’m not sure about the wisdom of tarting the name up and naming your daughter Delylah.

And today’s winner is a blessing to us all: little Blessyng was born. Bless.

This one comes from a loyal reader who asks, “Does this count, even though it doesn’t have any Y’s in it?” Yes Douglas, it counts, and it’s hideous.

A new father has secretly named his baby girl Sarah McCain Palin after the Republican ticket for president and vice president.

Mark Ciptak of Elizabethton put that name on the documents for the girl’s birth certificate, ignoring the name Ava Grace, which he and his wife had picked earlier.

“I don’t think she believes me yet,” he told the Kingsport Times-News for a story to be published Tuesday. “It’s going to take some more convincing.”

Ciptak, a blood bank employee for the American Red Cross, said he named his third child after John McCain and Sarah Palin to “to get the word out” about the campaign.

“I took one for the cause,” he said. “I can’t give a lot of financial support for the (McCain/Palin) campaign. I do have a sign up in my yard, but I can do very little.”

Courtesy wibr.com, 13 October 2008

Ciptak is right, he did do very little. He did very little thinking (typical for a McCain/Palin supporter). He did very little thinking for other people like his daughter and wife (typical for a McCain/Palin supporter).

He didn’t “take one for the cause.” He fucked up, and inflicted his monumental idiocy on his innocent daughter. What a tool.

Grounds for divorce, I say.

Since it’s Thanksgiving in Canada, I’m serving up a nice plate of turkeys for you today! It’s apparently also some made up “Discoverer’s Day” here in the US, but since I don’t get the day off I don’t really care. Plus, it should be Columbus Day.

Anyway… on with the show!

We start off with a food-sounding name: Cocofie. I can’t begin to understand this one. At least there aren’t any y’s in it, like Xaysha or Chazlyn. Those two are understandably bad. Their parents still need to be hit with the cluebat though.

In keeping with the holiday theme, little Saturnalia was born sometime recently. At least her parents didn’t name her after some other Roman festival that involved vomiting or sodomy. Unfortunately they were off by a couple of months, because the festival of Saturnalia is in December!

Another Roman-sounding name that came up this week was Maximus. Kids being kids, you know dude’s nickname is going to be Gluteus.

I can’t say much about Jerston. I can say something about Bryani, though: hey parents, you missed out on a perfect double-y opportunity! And you blew it!

This week’s winner is definitely Kayciance Clarita-jayne. Her first name is a portmanteau of a letter (’K') and a method of extracting money from the gullible (’seance’), but misspelled in a horrible horrible way. And then her second name… double-barrelled, uncapitalized second name, extraneous y, these are all the makings of a bonafide Bad Baby Name. Kudos!

We kick things off with our traditional bog-standard Bad Baby Names: Kolten, Dicen (Dicen? Seriously?), Jaisyn, and Eliezer.

Moving swiftly on, we find little Chevelyn. I think this little girl has a mom who liked the name Evelyn (which is a nice name) and a dad who liked Chevy. I also think this little girl has a set of parents who are idiots.

As a prospective father, one bit of advice I’ve received regarding trying to come up with a name for our kid is “think like a seven-year old and come up with nicknames.” Airey’s parents didn’t use this rule. Come on, Airey Fairy? That’s an obvious one. I’m sure my readers can come up with more. And besides, Airey is a stupid hippie name anyhow.

Little Azalea Rose’s parents must really like flowers.

I can’t understand why you would want to name your child Dynasty.

I can’t understand why you would want to name your child Princess. It’s cute when she’s two years old… Strike that, it’s nauseating when she’s two years old. When she’s fifteen it’s just imbecilic.

Last but not least comes little Goretti. Sounds like an Italian mobster. Not really the image you want associated with your little girl. Oh hey, doing a little searching finds me St. Maria Goretti, who was stabbed to death by her attempted rapist. When she was eleven. And she lived for twenty days until succumbing to her injuries.

Charming name to give your kid.