I admit, I was lazy last week and didn’t write a Bad Baby Names post. I did write down the Bad Baby Names, though, and that means it’s a lucky two-week smorgasbord of Bad Baby Names! Let’s go!

Starting off with last week’s, we have Lyric. I guess that’s not really that bad a name.

However, Rhaejah (I assume this is Pidgin for “rager” in the same way that bruddah is pidgen for brother), Mykie (I assume this is Stupid for “Mikey”), and Cheyson (also Stupid for “Jayson”) are all Bad.

I’m not really sure what to make of Kayin or Zayne.

Now last week I had a bit of a conundrum: which Bad Baby Name was to be the big loser? I couldn’t choose between Na`leiyah or Sarenity. Readers, would you like to weigh in?

Topping off the list for this week are the “-en/-yn” gang: Deslyn, Kaylyn, Shaycen, Zaylen, and Xayceten. I have no idea what that last name is supposed to be, other than bad. I think you have to pull your tongue out and stick it in your eye to pronounce it properly, and then you might accidentally summon one of the Outer Gods.

Zaylie is pretty bad. So is Shellsea, which I could have sworn I’ve made fun of before.

However, neither of those is as bad as A’Lycea. I think this qualifies as a crime against apostrophes.

Happy Memorial Day, everyone! I’ve been living in the United States for about seven years now, and as far as I can figure Memorial Day was started by retailers so they could have Memorial Day sales. Why’d they call it Memorial Day then? Probably so we could remember the money we used to have.

Anyhow, let’s get to this week’s Bad Baby Names, shall we?

We start out with the one oddball name in the batch: Justus. I went to school with a guy named Justice, and that’s alright. Justus, on the other hand, is kind of stupid.

And then we come to the theme of this week’s post: the illustrious letter Y. This is nothing new; it could probably be the theme of every Bad Baby Name post. This week we have Alexandrya, which is a perfectly nice name, except for that stupid Y.

Then we come to the names that would be stupid regardless of the number of Y’s in them: Kaizlyn-Marie, Zyrie, Racelyn, and Caliyah all make the list.

Topping the list is Reyshelynn, which is just Bad.

After a drought in Bad Baby Names the past couple of weeks, this week we have a good return to horribleness. Let’s go!

Kicking it off this week we have Carleyrose. It’s not that bad, but we can’t jump into the pool in the deep end now, can we?

Slightly worse are Khyrie, Kaysen, Sayhje, and Kysyn. My favourites, bad names made even worse with extra Ys!

I think Starrz’s parents took too many drugs and saw stars when their daughter was born.

Strangely enough, two different sets of parents had the same “let’s give our daughter a Hawaiian name” idea, but both sets completely screwed it up. See, there is no S in the Hawaiian alphabet, so Kasie`auli`i isn’t a Hawaiian name. Correspondingly, there is no Z or T in the Hawaiian alphabet, so Zatiana`auli`i isn’t a Hawaiian name either. Because of this transgression against the Hawaiian language, both of these names are Bad.

Not quite as bad as Nyiiyah though. I pronounce this one “NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYAH!” Could have used more Ys though.

In the “sure it’s something you wouldn’t want to name your daughter but if you put “ie” on the end it sounds cute so let’s go with it” category comes Uraijah-Chodie.

I’m not even sure what the parents of Sa-Tya T-Yamai were thinking.

And last, and certainly least, is Hyphy.

Wouldn’t you know it. Last week’s birth column in the Trib only had a couple of Bad Baby Names in it, so I skipped writing about them. This week’s is equally lacking, and the bad baby names weren’t really Bad Baby Names. The worst was Kylee-Rae. I mean sure, it’s bad, but it’s not Bad.

Mind you, someone decided to give their little girl Cootey as a middle name, which will end up with her being teased endlessly in school.

There was one other really Bad Baby Name this week though: Elizabeth Melissa Hina. Horrible!

There actually weren’t that many Bad Baby Names in this week’s paper, and those that were weren’t that good. Sure, we got our Tayden and our Ocean and our Caydence, but none of those are truly bad.

There was, however, one exception. I can only imagine that the parents couldn’t decide on a name, or they decided that they would “name her after you and me.”

Because that’s her name: U-Me.

Now don’t get me wrong, phonetically it’s a perfectly good name. There’s nothing wrong with Yumi as a name.

But U-Me? That’s just Bad.

As you can probably tell from this week’s title, the Y brygade was out in full force this week. Jailyn, Alaeyna, Jennalyn, Kellsynd, and Austyn were all inflicted with bad bad baby names.

But this week’s winner doesn’t have a Y in their name, shockingly. It’s Huntah. Hunter would be a lower-quality bad baby name, but when you kind of pidgenize it in the lazy fashion that seems so popular around here, it becomes a bona fide Bad Baby Name.

This week’s crop of Bad Baby Names pits two teams against each other. First up, Team Lynn, which is made up of Richlynn, Shanlynn, and Maelynn. Three truly bad names right there.

Competing against Team Lynn is Team Hyphen, starring Loryn-Rose, Trina Honey-Lee, Ku`ulei-Nevaeh, Tryson-Francois, and their leader Ryan-Anthony Kimo-Andres.

Which team wins? I think it has to be Team Hyphen, not only for sheer numbers, but because they have a girl named Ku`ulei-Nevaeh, and god knows I hate that name.

Of course, what good would a little team competition be without a traitor to both teams? That’s right, we have little Kira-Lynn being this week’s traitor!

And just when you thought that there couldn’t be any more Bad Baby Names this week, there’s more!

Canaan and Israel were born this week. While not particularly bad names, I thought it was kind of coincidental that they’d both make it into the paper in the same week. To be properly bad names you’d have to throw in a ‘y’ or muck with the spelling. Perhaps K’NAAN and Ysrayl.

Twins Kasadie and Kenadie were also in this week’s list of baby names. They would both be decent names had their parents not completely messed up their spelling. What’s wrong with Cassidy and Kennedy?

Shavanie, Kambree, Lilyanna, and Kayzden are all particularly bad.

But I think this week’s winner has to be Ghage Grannite. Ghage is a bad name, and it would be a bad name even if it were spelled properly. Grannite is a bad name, and it would be a bad name even if it were spelled properly. Put the two of them together and you’ve got one truly Bad Baby Name.

This week’s list of baby names was relatively short at fourteen, yet the percentage of Bad Baby Names was pretty high. I’m glad to know that there are still stupid parents out there…

While it’s no Ocean Reef Butts, little Ocean was born recently.

Saydee would be a perfectly good name were it not tarted up with the extraneous y. Why do parents do this?

And why do parents name their daughters Promise? Seriously, if you’re a parent and you’ve named your daughter Promise, can you leave a comment explaining your thought process?

This week’s winner was undoubtedly inspired by the recent stormy weather, but of course, like any parent who gives their kid a Bad Baby Name, they had to misspell it. This week’s winner is Stormie! Oh, and check out this prescient commentary: “Stormy’s kind of close to a stripper’s name as it is.” Too right!